Presented with permission.
Hello! My name is Thelma. It is difficult for me to put into words how different my daily life was when I was drinking. Back when I thought I was holding it all together, each minute of each day was about the effort to see what I wanted. The truth of the matter I wanted everything. I was the director; the world was my stage. I bent life to my will and for a long time, I had been successful doing just that. When I could not get my actors to do what I wanted them to do, the economy to respond the way I wanted it to respond, things were not moving fast enough for me, I was nervous, and the internal dialogue and constant plotting would appear. The only release from that noise in my head was a drink or some drugs.
I lived for my drink each day during my functional years it was fun as I twist my need for a drink into everyday life so I would always have one. I was happy at it. I found people who drank like me. They also had husbands, homes, and friends. They were my people so I could enjoy my drinking.
My life was all about somehow getting my drinking in while still appearing to anyone who bothered to look as normal and modest and any upper middle class, educated orange county homemaker. We were all telling each other what each other wanted to try. The normal people in my life just dropped out of the picture one by one.
Sadly, few people would annoy me. My drinking was an everyday thing. My soul was drifting off. To me, everyone drank like me because everyone around me was an alcoholic! It is funny now because I no longer surround myself with drinkers and when, and if, one comes around I see that they are not around for long. It is so comfortable now. Some people never learn. Drinkers walk to the left, and all the common people take to the right. I’m so happy to be a part of the latter crowd. I never even realized that these people even existed. They do!
My consequences were small at first, and mostly hidden. As alcohol and drugs began to cost me friends, my husband, a nice home, self-respect, I managed to get back on my feet, dust myself off, and look at life again.
I just kept on fighting, and recovering, and repairing, or simply moving onto another job, or boyfriend or home always moving to get away from some pain I had caused, or running from some shame that my most recent bender had produced. For a while, my family thought me to be so hard, durable, brave, and extraordinarily, capable of handling all the stress and hassle that seemed to be heaped upon my poor innocent shoulders. This is a joke because after doing the work and backtracking I was a perverted woman who lost everything in order to find myself.
Life is so much better today being alcohol and drug free. Many thanks to those who were there when I needed the most
Until next time, be good to yourself and others.